If I had all the
right words to explain this thing I call life, I would. But seeing as that will never be the case, I
will simply do my best to explain where I am right now.
It is an interesting
place, to say the least. Nothing that I
have really ever experienced before -- it is confusing, heart-wrenching,
revealing, moving forwards, moving backwards, humbling, empty, and full of
growth and change -- all in the same. I
have such a desire to pull myself out of this pit , but the temptation to exist
in this chaos is just as enticing. For
it is familiar and comfortable, despite how miserable it truly is.
But I know better
than that; I know that the Lord will put me right where He wants me to be,
regardless if I continually neglect the
opportunities that He has provided for me to do so on my own. The act of surrendering seems to be the most
daunting, because it means something will have to change, because it means I
have to admit that I am dying inside.
So I run, as far
away as I can from facing what has been staring me in the face all this
time. There is a hope that everything
will eventually disappear and I will be able to move forward like nothing ever
happened. But the farther I run, the
more my world falls apart. My
relationships with my closest and dearest of friends suffer, my motivation to
be an active learner and thinker shuts down, my desires to seek the Lord with
all my heart dissipate to the point of a non-existent state -- leaving me empty
and alone.
And it is here that
I now find myself, in the belly of my whale.
Because I was not
willing to lay myself down, He had to do it for me. And it hurts.
And not only is it immensely uncomfortable, it also means that the
process of surrendering myself will require so much more than it
would have if I had just done it when He asked me to the first time...the first time.
I struggle with
dwelling on everything that I could have done differently or that I should have
never done to begin with; I struggle with changing my attitude on how I will
get out of here. But I know it is only
with faith and His strength that will allow me to come to the place of
restoration, for only He can change my heart.
There must be an
element of complete commitment to this process, otherwise I will end up right
back where I began, running. I can
honestly say (for the first time in a while) that I want out; I have a desire
to make things right. But knowing where
to start is overwhelming, it brings me to tears to even think about how much
has been neglected and lost, let alone to see it manifesting right before my eyes.
It breaks my heart.
But now it is time
to go, it is time to go where I should have been all along. Hallelujah for the gift of grace, for my
hell-deserving human does not deserve a second chance. It would be ignorant to assume that just
because I have chosen to obey that my tomorrow will be just as it should. I have to continually and consistently choose
to devote my everything to my Everything; I have to choose to surrender, daily.
Knowing that change
needs to take place and further accepting responsibility for the situation that
I find myself in are the first steps to surrendering. It will not be easy, and I will not always
want to choose to do so. But if I do
what I want, I won't do much.
So here I find
myself, off to Nineveh, girded with only the strength and assurance of my
Lord. I must choose to follow, I must
choose to have faith in the promise that there is hope outside this whale of my
world.
"The waters surrounded me, even to my soul;
The deep closed around me;
Weeds were wrapped around my head.
I went down to the moorings of the mountains;
The earth with its bars closed behind me forever;
Yet You have brought up my life from the pit,
Oh Lord, my God."
-- Jonah 2:5-6
