In Response to Aching Silence.

*As this is a response to my last few posts, it may help to revisit them prior to commencing your reading -- But I will do my best to make it easy to follow regardless.  Cheers.*

In yesterday's daily devotional :

"Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life.  Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first."

Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest

In my vow of silence to the world and my new desires to live a life greater than myself, I struggle to find peace.  Yes, it is a daily battle of surrender, but there still seems to be something missing in my pursuit.  Why cannot find what I am looking for?

I have been wrestling with this for a while now.  And over the past few days, the Lord has been so graciously opening my eyes --

Just because I have chosen to not outwardly express all my thoughts and feelings and concerns does not mean that I am automatically listening.  For all I know, the Lord has been trying to talk to me all this time and I just continue to allow my thoughts to consume me; there has yet to be a complete surrender.

I continually find myself saying that I do not know what I am suppose to do next -- I have a desire to go and to follow, yet I do nothing.  Perhaps it is fear of the unknown and my future.  Perhaps I simply do not have the guts to ask what I am looking for...and what I will find by doing so.  But if I wanted it as much as I say I do, I would be searching for it, searching for Him.

And the answers have been in front of me all this time...and even worse, I have been fully aware and still do nothing:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."

Matthew 7:7-8

Well, what in the world am I waiting for then...an invitation?  Faith requires action, not waiting for a divine appointment of the heavens opening and giving me all the answers to life.  How selfish of me. 

I often use the excuse that I just do not know how, but maybe I am not even willing to try.  My human nature takes control and I surrender, because that is what I have been training it to do all these years.  I know nothing of true desperation, I know nothing of diligently seeking.  

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"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

Matthew 6:33-34

"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings us the truth of His Word, life will become amazingly simple."

Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest

Inspiration.

I often wonder where I am suppose to get my inspiration to live a life larger than myself.  How am I suppose to know whether my motivation is for the sake of proving myself or because that is what I am actually suppose to be doing?  I want my inspiration to be authentic.  I want my motivation to be from Him.

If we look in the Bible, the Lord gives us piles upon piles of accounts of people and their journeys and the ways in which the Lord worked through them.  But I do not believe these stories were put in the Bible merely for the sake of existing -- We should use them, learn from them, imitate them.

And if this is truly the case, then I think the Lord put the people we have in our lives for the same purpose.  Sometimes I worry that I am being a "copy cat" or not being original enough...whatever that is actually suppose to mean.  But, if someone can inspire me to do something with my life that is for the greater glory of God and pushes me outside my comfortable life box, then kudos to them, and more importantly, thank you God.

I find myself living in such a comfortable world, rarely without a sense of urgency, rarely with the desire to go places...to disciple.  But I am called.  I am called to fulfill the purpose of my Savior, to reach out to His lost and hurting people.  But never are we suppose to do this out of a sense of obligation or a feeling of being inadequate.  It should be --it is-- a direct reflection of His love, that He did not come to this world for nothing. 

I do not think I have ever experienced more uncertainty and confusion for my future then I am experiencing right now.  And although this can be somewhat daunting, it is also an opportunity - to press in, to pray, to let the Lord guide my steps.  My life is that of a blink of an eye and cannot even compare to glorious eternity, and I want to spend every moment of it as a humble servant for my Lord -- whatever He wills, I follow.

Where I go next with my life is currently unclear.  But I know I have a desire to go, I know I have a passion to fulfill His heavenly purpose, and I know that I will not be disappointed if I simply chose to follow.  And until then, I will continue to be thankful for the people in my life who are doing what I should be doing, who inspire me to go.

I thank God for you every day. 

"Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God. Carry the light-giving Message into the night so I'll have good cause to be proud of you on the day that Christ returns. You'll be living proof that I didn't go to all this work for nothing."

Philippians 2:14-16 

Silent Night.

I like to talk -- a lot.  Not to mention that I am a lady, who most assuredly fits into the stereotype of "Chatty Cathie", to say the least.  And I have no shame in the matter...which is unfortunately the problem in this case.

Words tend to get me into trouble, to the point of complete consumption and total loss of self-control.  It is like trying to keep a secret all the time.  I use it [talking] as a sense of relief, as a way to confirm that what I am thinking is or is not as crazy as I am cooking it up to be.  It has become my excuse to never keep quiet.  Me and my big mouth…

But it is convicting.  I have been given self-control, but I simply choose to completely disregard its existence and run my mouth.  But how do I change something that I have been doing my whole life?  -- I humble myself.  I ask for help.  I stop talking.  

Now for about the past month, I have been giving myself the silent treatment.  The irony.  Instead of giving in to my habitual impulses to word vomit every little thought and/or feeling that comes into my head and proceeding to confide them in other humans, I say nothing.  I bring it to God and wait -- as I should have been doing all along. 

It is not easy (as most things in life are expected to be), especially for someone [me] who talks better than listens, who allows words to control thought processes and perspectives, slowly eating away at the soul; making it the end all be all.  I rely too much on what I think and what other people say rather than seeking for the truth, for peace in God. 

This is a process, to say the least.  Biting my tongue is now a common occurrence in my daily life, some times harder than other times.  But if the Lord brought me to it, I have no doubt that He will bring me through it.  I have His words to rely on, which is more than sufficient for me. 

When I choose to dwell on my thoughts and wait upon the Lord, in His timing, my eyes are opened -- an escape, a revelation, a resolution, growth, peace, freedom, an answer to prayer.  Keeping words between me and God simply demonstrates my reliance on Him, that I am giving up the total right to self and am believing He will provide me with what I am looking for.  

No talking necessary.  

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Geniuses, yet again. 

"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

Luke 6:45

A Year in Review, A Year in Preview.

Holy cats. 

It is 2012.

Time flies when you are having fun.

It is amazing looking back at 2011 -- all the things I did, all the people I met, all the places I traveled.  In fact, it may be one of the most memorable years I have had in quite some time.

The new year always seems to bring about a time of reflection and resolution, which I try to take as an opportunity to grow and make changes for the better.  I do not necessarily have anything in particular in mind for this upcoming year, but, I would like to kick it up a notch -- it is all uphill from here. 

This being said: there will be much more laughing, picture taking, traveling, meeting new folks, trying new foods --yes, I know--, dancing, breathing, listening, thinking, praying, writing, confidence, spending time with friends --old and new--, being thankful...and much less worrying, doubting, complaining, talking, planning, laziness, empty promises, anger, sadness, forgetting, excuses…

I am ready.  I am excited.

The Lord has blessed me with a year of growth, both personally and with other people.  I finally decided to take my relationship with my Savior seriously, rather than being content with my present, yet passive pursuit.  I have let things --and people-- go, as well as made adjustments in my life that are not necessarily comfortable, but, necessary.  My life has purpose, my life is His.  I would not have it any other way.  And if I have learned anything this year, I have learned that growth is not always easy, but it is beautiful, especially if it is in Him.

Thank you to all who have made my year so lovely, so memorable.  I am truly blessed.  

"Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step into the invincible future with Him."

        Oswald Chambers                         
                
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"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.  Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne."

Hebrews 12:1-2