Just Call Me Jonah.

If I had all the right words to explain this thing I call life, I would.  But seeing as that will never be the case, I will simply do my best to explain where I am right now. 

It is an interesting place, to say the least.  Nothing that I have really ever experienced before -- it is confusing, heart-wrenching, revealing, moving forwards, moving backwards, humbling, empty, and full of growth and change -- all in the same.  I have such a desire to pull myself out of this pit , but the temptation to exist in this chaos is just as enticing.  For it is familiar and comfortable, despite how miserable it truly is. 

But I know better than that; I know that the Lord will put me right where He wants me to be, regardless  if I continually neglect the opportunities that He has provided for me to do so on my own.  The act of surrendering seems to be the most daunting, because it means something will have to change, because it means I have to admit that I am dying inside. 

So I run, as far away as I can from facing what has been staring me in the face all this time.  There is a hope that everything will eventually disappear and I will be able to move forward like nothing ever happened.  But the farther I run, the more my world falls apart.  My relationships with my closest and dearest of friends suffer, my motivation to be an active learner and thinker shuts down, my desires to seek the Lord with all my heart dissipate to the point of a non-existent state -- leaving me empty and alone.

And it is here that I now find myself, in the belly of my whale.

Because I was not willing to lay myself down, He had to do it for me.  And it hurts.  And not only is it immensely uncomfortable, it also means that the process of surrendering myself will require so much more than it would have if I had just done it when He asked me to the first time...the first time.

I struggle with dwelling on everything that I could have done differently or that I should have never done to begin with; I struggle with changing my attitude on how I will get out of here.  But I know it is only with faith and His strength that will allow me to come to the place of restoration, for only He can change my heart. 

There must be an element of complete commitment to this process, otherwise I will end up right back where I began, running.  I can honestly say (for the first time in a while) that I want out; I have a desire to make things right.  But knowing where to start is overwhelming, it brings me to tears to even think about how much has been neglected and lost, let alone to see it manifesting right before my eyes.  

It breaks my heart.

But now it is time to go, it is time to go where I should have been all along.  Hallelujah for the gift of grace, for my hell-deserving human does not deserve a second chance.  It would be ignorant to assume that just because I have chosen to obey that my tomorrow will be just as it should.  I have to continually and consistently choose to devote my everything to my Everything; I have to choose to surrender, daily. 

Knowing that change needs to take place and further accepting responsibility for the situation that I find myself in are the first steps to surrendering.  It will not be easy, and I will not always want to choose to do so.  But if I do what I want, I won't do much. 

So here I find myself, off to Nineveh, girded with only the strength and assurance of my Lord.  I must choose to follow, I must choose to have faith in the promise that there is hope outside this whale of my world.

"The waters surrounded me, even to my soul;

The deep closed around me;

Weeds were wrapped around my head.

I went down to the moorings of the mountains;

The earth with its bars closed behind me forever;

Yet You have brought up my life from the pit,

Oh Lord, my God."

-- Jonah 2:5-6

Numb.

"Today is a good day to have a good day." 

It is often the simplest of things that get me thinking.  And after Rebecca said this to me one morning as she was leaving for class, a part of me would not let her words go, like she knew that was exactly what I needed to hear.

The fact that this simple statement resonated so deeply within me was actually rather surprising, for I consider myself a fairly optimistic person with a cheery disposition; there is always good to be found in every day.  But it was also the least bit surprising all in the same, for believing these words has been the most difficult concept to grasp, to say the least. 

I have not had a good day in a long time.  It hurts to think about, let alone saying it out loud.  But I would be lying to myself if I admitted anything different.  If you know me at all, you know that I am an expressive individual; I base the majority of my decisions on how I feel, from the inside out.  I am often inspired by people and places and words and things that I see, and as a result, I am moved by my desire to show compassion towards them.  So to say that I have felt little to nothing for the past month, that nothing has brought life to my soul or compelled me to go, is really saying something. 

It is foreign, it is exhausting, and it is empty.

My motivation for everything has been completely lost -- to be a good best friend or a friend at all, to be an active student and learner, to be a thinker, to pursue a relationship with my Savior, to communicate, to have patience, to be a forgiver, to be thankful.  I rarely sleep.  I have little or no appetite.  I am extremely homesick.  I just exist, in the most basic sense of the word.

Before I move on, I should probably note that there have been in fact moments, little glimmers of light if you will, that have presented themselves over this past while.  I would not want to discredit the people and the interactions that I have encountered that have kept me going, that are literally the only things holding my head above the water right now.  I am grateful -- which is one of very few things that I have actually felt.

The scariest part about all of this is that I am completely aware of what is happening, and even believe that deep down somewhere, I have the desire to break free of this depressing bondage.  But if I am learning anything from this uncomfortable journey, it is that I am capable of becoming numb to even the desire to be happy.   A change of heart requires action and even work -- but it is easier to suffer and hope that everything will eventually go away than it would be to actually do something about all of this. 

It makes me really sad.

Now, the purpose of me sharing all of this is not to gain your sympathy or for someone to tell me that what I am going through is unhealthy and that I should probably get help -- believe me, I know this better than anyone else.  But last night for the first time in about a month, I prayed.  It was short and it was simple, but it was something.  I can tell you right now that I did not want to, and it was hard.  But after being encouraged by one of my best friends, I knew it was time.

Then today happened, as most todays do after yesterdays.  And for the first time in quite a while, I felt happy.  And not just for a moment, for the whole day.  I would like to credit my feelings to the fact that I had a decent night of sleep, that I met up with a friend that I have not seen in a while and chatted about so many lovely things for four straight hours, that the weather is unusually beautiful and warm, that I get to hang out with my roommate and best friend when I return home from writing these very words…

But all those things, in some fashion or another, have been here the whole time.  Today was different because I actually felt their presence, because my heart was softened.  And even if it was only the tiniest bit of relief, it was just what I needed to have any sort of hope.  I do not expect everything to go back to normal tomorrow, for nothing has been made right.  But I want to make it right, which is progress in itself.  I do not know what it will look like, what it will feel like, or what I will gain (or lose) in all of this -- but it is time.  It was time a long time ago.

To the best of my ability, in the only Strength and Hope that I have left, I will continue to search for the light -- by His grace and His unconditional love, for it is all that I have to cling to. 

Because today is a good day to have a good day.  And tomorrow will be too. 

"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." 

-- Psalm 118:24

Home for the Summer.

Another summer has come and gone, I swear it goes by faster every year.  And although I am rather stir crazy to return to the cities, to reunite with some of my closest friends, and to take a break from my break, it would only be fair for me to give my summer one last hoorah before moving forward to the months ahead of me.

To be completely honest, I was not even sure that I was going to even come back.  After living in Minneapolis for three school years, I have really begun to appreciate all that it has to offer and how significant of a place it has become in my life – my home away from home.  Besides the fact that I would be returning to the same old same old…and was that where I really wanted to spend the entirety of my summer?  But as the end of my spring semester approached, I felt more and more compelled to go home.  I was not entirely sure why and was not entirely sure that I even wanted to.  But if I have learned anything in my life, it is to go where He tells me to go, trusting that there will be a means to the end.

So to my home in Wisconsin I went, not knowing what was in store for me. 

Now I would be lying if I said this summer was all rainbows and grilled cheese sandwiches, for there were many moments where I found myself regretting my decision, frustrated and stuck.  But as my days continued, I began to realize the purpose of my venture, which was nothing that I anticipated or expected, as that always seems to be the case.  Human nature strikes again.

The majority of my summer was spent doing the things I always do, but sometimes the simplicity of going back to the basics reveals the complexity of what lies beneath it all.  But by revisiting these “basics” – spending time with my family, serving at my home church, investing a part of me into two very special kiddos (as big or as small as it may have been), fasting and praying, being a big sister and even more so a friend to Abigail, fostering relationships that have always been – I was able to see the significant value that they carry in my life.  Their constant presence, as repetitive and sometimes unnecessary as they may seem, has created the foundation for my future.  Without them, I would not be where I am today and would not be able to go where I will eventually need to go. 

There has always been uneasiness to me about change, about moving on and forever leaving behind things that were always once so dear to me.  I think it is just scary.  This summer has taught me to think beyond that, for the first time ever.  It is not always about leaving something behind; it can be about building upon it, using what is familiar to help develop the unknown.  And sure, things will not always be the same.  Change is inevitable, but it is okay. 

And above all, I have a life promised in Him, which will be far better than anything I imagine or attempt to accomplish in my own strength – I need to trust and follow, believing that the changes that will occur will be what has been intended for me all along.

I cannot say whether this will be my final summer at home, as nice as knowing would be.  But I will know when I need to know, and until then, I will continue to live one day at time.  Because it will be okay, everything will be more than okay. 

So cheers to you, summer.  You have once again proven to be my favorite. 

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

-- Matthew 6:34

A Revelation from Within.

As it has been too long since I have put my thoughts into words, I ask for your patience as I ease myself back into something that I almost forgot brought so much joy to me. 

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About a month ago, I took part in another Daniel fast as a kick-off for the rest of my summer, as well as for a time of solitude and surrender to anything that Lord had in store for me.  I was excited, not only because I thoroughly enjoyed my previous experience, but also because I was interested to see how the two would compare. 

Throughout my week of fasting, I was waiting for my “revelation” or the “ah-ha moment” that I had been all too familiar with from my previous fast.  I kept asking the Lord to reveal to me parts of my life that needed attention or that He saw fit for change, but the only things that continued to press my heart were issues that always seem to be there, that have simply become a part of the make-up of who I am.

This frustrated me; I was looking for something greater, something beyond myself.  But the Lord had a different plan – a better plan – as He continues to prove time and time again.  Expecting my fasts to be similar was naive, but alas I allowed my human nature to get the best of me and actually hinder the process.  And now that I look back, that does not surprise me one bit.

There are many areas in my life that I refuse to surrender to the Lord, that I have become so complacent and live with on a daily basis without even an awareness of their effect on myself and everything else around me.  There I was, begging for a revelation, when all the while He was giving me exactly what I needed. 

The deepness in which these things penetrate my soul is uncomfortably scary.  They have become so close to me that I no longer see them worthy of attention or change; they will just always be.  But who am I to say that all hope is lost and I am the way that I will always be?  Simple – a human being who once again displays such little faith in who I declare my God to be.  

So where do I go from here, how do I begin to change the innermost being that I am into what it has been intended to be?  Simple – I ask for help, from the only One who can change my heart.  Having to dig out the wells of filth from within can be an ugly thing and fairly unpleasant, to say the least, but absolutely necessary all in the same if there is any hope for growth and change for the better.  

It is amazing what the Lord can accomplish when I actually allow Him to have free reign over my spirit, soul, and body, when I stop allowing my human nature to get the best of me.  Surrender is not an easy task by all means.  In fact, I know it is something that cannot be mastered in one day.  It is a process – a life-long commitment – that I must see worthy of the most important priority of everything I will ever do.  For once I stop making it about myself, all that is intended will fall into place just as it has been promised.  And that is a risk I must be willing to take.

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"Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him. Until I do this, I will lose every time. The battle may take one minute or one year, but that will depend on me, not God. However long it takes, I must wrestle with it alone before God, and I must resolve to go through the hell of renunciation or rejection before Him. Nothing has any power over someone who has fought the battle before God and won there."

-- Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest

Use Somebody.

I often find myself thinking about if my personal and past experiences can influence others, how I can use my story to encourage or set an example for someone who may need it someday.  It is an interesting concept, to know that my previous struggles or triumphs could serve for a greater purpose beyond myself.  And not that I have all the answers (because I never will), but that there is the potential for great benefit amongst others. 

As I am only twenty years young, I am very much aware that there is still learning to be had.  But this can often be turned into an excuse where I do not see myself as suitable for a given situation or as a possible solution to an issue that is far beyond me.  It becomes difficult to conceptualize.  How will I be of any assistance if I have never even been there myself?  Oh human nature, indeed.  

The real question is what I will choose to do with the opportunity that has been placed before me -- to simply follow and trust that He knows what He is doing (which He always does) or to walk away, never knowing how I could have been used for His glory.

There are so many instances in my life that I come across in which I have no idea how I will be useful but know I am suppose to be a part of.  It is a funny feeling, it is even a scary feeling.  Going where no man has gone before!...well, going where I have never gone before.  Uncertainty is just that -- uncertain.  But there can be just as much peace in uncertainty as there is fear.  In fact, I often think that is how it was intended to be.

It all goes back to the concept of genuine and complete surrender, in which I no longer have to think about what God is going to do, because I know He will come.  I must simply remain faithful to Him.  The moment I lose sight of His grace and only find comfort in my own beliefs and experiences is the moment that I restrict myself with limitations, making it impossible for Him to fully flow through me -- I blind myself from the goodness He has intended.

A man recently told me: "Someone might meet Jesus today, and it will look like you." -- which is possibly the most mind-blowing yet simple and beautiful statements that I have ever heard in my entire life.  And as this has always been my heart's desire, that people would see the Jesus in me, I never realized how truly powerful that could be.  At any moment in time, someone could meet Jesus -- because they can see Him in me.

Little did I know how many ways in which this could be manifested, simply because I chose to follow, regardless if it made sense to my human self.  What a blessing it is, to take part in such spontaneous joy that one person can bring to another -- because He has me absolutely.  And even more, this not only gives me the opportunity to be blessing, but it allows me to receive these same joys -- in the most unexpected and overwhelming ways. 

It is wonderful.

And with all of that, I will let Oswald Chambers give the concluding thoughts of today:

"The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, which flows naturally from His nature within us.  And when we look back, we will not be able to determine why we did certain things, but we can know that we did them according to the spontaneous nature of His love in us."

Someone might meet Jesus today, and it will look like you.

"Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young.  Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."

1 Timothy 4:12

Confirmation And So Much More.

Back story: My aunt recently asked me to write a letter to my cousin Luke for his confirmation this weekend.  They are gathering these letters for all the kids being confirmed as a sign of support and encouragement from their friends and family, to let them know that there are other people behind them as they continue their journey in this world -- life as we know it.  I was flattered that she even thought of me as someone to write to him, but I was even more so just excited to be able to be a blessing to someone, especially someone so close to me.  And this is the space in which I usually write, so it only seemed appropriate to share it.  Cheers.  

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Dear Luke,

First and foremost, congratulations on your day of confirmation!  This day is such an important milestone in your life, and I commend you for making it this far, for continuing to strive for a life that is a reflection of your God and who he has made you to be.  From this day forward, you may begin to realize that life does not always get easier.  But not to worry, you have an amazing family who will be there to help you along and support you for the rest of your life -- and that is just the best. 

Every single person, including you, is created with a specific purpose in mind.  Every ounce of your uniqueness is intentional, for a greater cause far beyond yourself.  And the moment when you realize this is the moment in which the world becomes powerless to what you can truly accomplish -- which I can guarantee will be great. 

Often times we care too much about what other people think or feel about us, and we allow them to dominate our lives to the point where we lose our voice.  But you will never have a voice until you learn to speak up.  And being bold is a scary thing, in fact it can even feel impossible or pointless at times, but you are ultimately in control of your life and who you are going to let affect it.  Be courageous, be proud of who you are.

Here is the best part of all -- you do not have to do this alone.  You have been given such an amazing gift from above, Your God, who will never leave you and who keeps you close even in the hardest of times.  His strength is all you will need, and His love will fill you up more than anything or anyone else in this world ever could.  Just ask Him to help you, and He will -- He always will.

Confirmation is not only a milestone in your life as a growing young man, but it is also a wonderful opportunity to be intentional about your faith.  It has nothing to do with going along with what is expected of you, but rather has everything to do with how you will choose to let the Lord work in your life from now on.  Let your future have purpose; let your heart be willing to follow where He takes you. 

Being a part of your life has always been such a blessing, Luke.  Watching you continue to grow and develop into the person that you have been created to be is an amazing thing.  You are so special me, and I am so happy that you are in my family, in our family.  And I can only hope that these words of encouragement stay with you and remind you of how much of an impact you have already made in so many people's lives and how much of a difference you will make in your future -- You will do great things.

I am so very proud of you.

All my love,

 Beth. 

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."

Jeremiah 29:11 

That Which You Most Certainly Deserve.

Recently, the Lord has been helping me with myself, how to fully embrace and be thankful for who He has created me to be.  He has demonstrated this in many ways, but mostly through the importance of genuine relationships with friends who love me in a way in which is far beyond what I could imagine.  For someone who has struggled with "the idea of self" for as long as I can remember, I did not know it would ever be possible for me to feel this way -- completely content in who I have been created to be.  

But alas, in Christ, all things are possible.  Amen. 

First and foremost, you must be able to see yourself as your Heavenly Father sees you -- fearfully and wonderfully made, with a specific purpose to use what He has given you for the greater glory of His Kingdom.  Your confidence, love, self-worth, and value should be completely satisfied by His thoughts toward you, to give you a future and a hope.  

Until then, you will never allow anyone else to fully appreciate exactly who you have been created to be -- which you most certainly deserve.  How can you?  We bring ourselves to such a point of dependency in others and what they think is important that we take whatever we can get, which I can guarantee is far less than what you are worth.

And I only say all of this with such confidence because I know -- I have been there, I am there.  It is an incredible transformation to undertake, but a necessary one at that.  I realized that I constantly, both internally and externally, beat myself up about my "imperfections" or the things in which I do not see as worthy of love or appreciation.  I was simply (and unfortunately can still be) embarrassed  of myself, desperately wishing I could be something that I am not -- Oh, how this makes my heart hurt.   

But the Lord continually proves to be so gracious, time and time again as promised -- as fall on my face before Him, humbling myself daily, desperately pleading for Him to purge my heart and mind of such destructive and hopeless thoughts, which are certainly not of Him.  And in that moment when my soul is released, nothing else matters except the thoughts and affections of Him, of how I can be the best version of myself in His image.  Simply glorious.  

And as a result of this, the Lord has been able to place people into my life who serve this very purpose, who love me and genuinely appreciate my whole self that I am, which often takes my breath away or even brings me to tears -- because it demonstrates the unconditional love that my Heavenly Father truly has for me in such an overwhelming and beautiful fashion.   

So let us rid ourselves of all the excuses and lies that we convince ourselves of, that we are not enough.  And let us rather be exactly who we have been intended to be, which I guarantee looks far better than anything we muster up as desirable or worthy of cause.  Find the people in life who encourage you to be just that, and nothing else.  The Lord has put them there for reason, as a direct reflection of His perfect love for you.

It is truly a wonderful thing, indeed.  

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."

Psalm 139: 14

My Sister's Keeper.

My dearest (and favorite) baby sister,

Today is a special day for you, as it is your first dance competition of the season.  And although this is certainly nothing out of the ordinary, seeing as you have been doing this since you were a small one, it is in fact your first time competing a solo.  I hope you are as excited as I am.

Dancing by yourself on stage can be one of the most intimidating and overwhelming experiences, knowing that every eye is watching your every move, the pressures of being perfect and giving the people what they want to see.  But it can also [and will be] one of the most rewarding and precious experiences of your entire life, one that you will carry with you forever.  Trust me, I know.

Forget about being perfect and forget about all the people watching, for that is not what this is all about.  Those moments on that stage are between you, the movement, and the music -- you will be creating beauty with every step that you take.  Do it because you love it. 

Watching you continually grow as a dancer and as a young lady has been one of the most rewarding and special opportunities that I could have ever asked for.  The Lord is so good.  And I know you say that you wish you could be the dancer that I am, but you will always be greater than I -- because you have not lost sight of your dream to be the dancer that you have been called to be, because you are more brave than I ever was.  You will always be my inspiration, and I thank God for putting you into my life for that very purpose. 

Tonight, you will have an audience of One -- and nothing else matters.  He has blessed you with a lovely gift.  Use it to worship Him and glorify His name.  And in the moments before you step onto that stage, remember why you are doing what you are doing -- because you have been blessed with a gift, because it brings indescribable  joy to your heart, and because you get to share your light with others. 

I am so very proud of you.  You will be beautiful.

All my love and more,

Your big sister.

"Let them praise His name with dancing, making melody to Him with the tambourine and lyre!  For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He adorns the humble with salvation."

Psalm 149: 3-4

Once Upon A Family.

About a year ago today, I embarked on one of the happiest and most memorable years of my life thus far.  In fact, I would even say it was life-changing, because it was exactly that.  So many blessings.

The Bible talks about the importance of having four crazy friends [Mark 2], but I have six...all who continually bless my life in their own individual ways in the fashion in which the Lord has created them.  We are all so very different (which may be an understatement), but our relationship is centered around Christ, first and foremost, meaning we can be what we are -- a direct reflection of His love and never ending grace.

Having people in your life who are completely sold out for the Lord and the cause of His greater glory, who encourage you to be the woman God that you have been intentionally created to be, and never cease to amaze you with their abilities to bless your life is one of the greatest gifts a lady could ever ask for.  My God is so good. 

Time spent with all of you is always precious, and I have so many memories that I will never forget -- all the laughter, discovery, compassion, forgiveness, peace, grace, crazy, love.   I would not have it any other way.  This past year has been beyond myself and anything I could ask for.  And although we cannot know where the Lord will take us next, it can only get better.  How beautiful.  

If I could fully and successfully express exactly how deep of an appreciation I have for each of these wonderful human beings I would, but I cannot.  There are just not enough words for that.

But alas, I will give it my all -- and with that, I write...

My dearest family,

Rebecca --

Becoming friends with you may be one of the single greatest blessings that has ever happened to me.  And I can honestly say that you (and Bekah) are one of the first real best friends that I have ever had, which means so much more than I could possibly express.  I know I can be a handful and a half sometimes, but even in our differences (which there are so many), you love me just the same.  You have such a deep passion to serve, to get your hands dirty, and you are constantly striving to be the best version of who you have been created to be.  And in it all, you remain humble and gracious for the opportunity to use your gifts for our Savior's greater glory.  We have grown so much together over these past few years, sharing our joys, pains, struggles, and triumphs...but it is all in Him, which is by far the most beautiful thing.  You inspire me to live a life greater than myself.  You encourage me, challenge me, and love me more than I could ever ask for -- and I thank the Lord for putting you into my life for those very purposes.  I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for your future.  You will do great things.  I love you. 

Josh --  

Good Gandhi, where do I even begin.  My Seinfeld buddy, the social butterfly, photo of the day, Chapter 29, pinkies in the middle with a right hand star...only some of the reasons why I love having you as a friend.  Josh, when I look at you, I see Christ.  Your life is rooted and centered in His glory and in His will, which is evident through your zeal and passion to do His work.  You are fearless, willing to go wherever and whenever you are called.  And I will have you know that this is contagious.  You are so easy to talk to (a little truth or truth, ya see) and so easy to be my honest self with, seeing as you may actually be more crazy than I am.  You  know how to make the best of every situation and turn everything into a good time, and you know how to get the rest of us to surprisingly (and willingly?) follow suit.  You live life to the fullest, nothing to lose, nothing to regret...which is something I have learned to embrace for myself over this past year.  So thank you, for all of it.  Love you...NOT!  (But really I do). 

David --

I am just so happy that I know you.  I do not think I have ever met a person more honestly caring and interested about the lives of others than you, and your passion to serve them accordingly reflects the same love that you have for Christ, which is simply beautiful...and something that I hope I can obtain for myself someday.  You have always encouraged me to be proud of the person that I am, never allowing me to short change myself or underestimate the gifts that I have been given.  I always enjoy our talks, big or small, because I always learn so much from you.  You are willing to listen and respect my thoughts, regardless if you understand or not.  And we ALWAYS have a grand time together, whether it be jamming to some tunage (IN ALL CAPS), cooking crazy foods (that I am slowly but surly learning to appreciate), batman fist pumping, or swing dancing anywhere and everywhere, which is one of my new favorite things.  Not having you here this semester really revealed how thankful I truly I am to have you as a friend, but I am thrilled that you are doing what you love in a place where you can be a blessing to others.  Te amo.

Peter --

Now technically speaking,  I have not necessarily known you for an entire year.  But by meeting Ryan and Josh, I pretty much have...after story after story after story.  And now actually having you as a part of our family feels nothing less than normal, and I would not have it any other way.  Your intelligence --your ridiculous awareness of everything-- is so wonderful and is so incredible and is manifested in so many ways...in your humor (my personal favorite), in your attention to detail in other people's lives, in your passion for your passions, in your desire to learn, in your family, and in your love for our Savior.  You challenge me to think beyond myself, to step outside of my comfort box and appreciate parts of the world that I could be missing out on.  Never have I felt the pressure to be anything but myself, for you accept (and actually encourage) the whole crazy that I am and appreciate my moments (oh so many) and then some .  You make me laugh more than any other human that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I will forever remember you as the "Hammertime Hoedown boy"-- which only deserves a proper curtsey, and of course, Kudosos.  So much love.

Ryan --

I am so pleased with how much our friendship has grown over the past year -- such a perfect combination of humor, humility (mostly on my part), and love.  What a guy.  You live such a purpose -driven life.  You have a compassion to serve and to help those in need, living a life according to our Savior.  Your natural leadership is evident in knowing how to connect with other people  on their level, meeting them where they are at in order to serve them in the best possible way.  And you take life for what it is and make the most out of what you have been given.  You always seem to catch me in my finest of moments, which is usually thoroughly embarrassing, but it also makes me feel safe; when I am with you, I know everything will be okay.  You have taught me to enjoy the person that I am, to never feel ashamed.  I am excited to see how the Lord will work in your life next, for it has been such a beautiful thing to witness over this past year.  You are such a blessing to me...and I would not chose anyone else in this world to take care of my best friend.  I love you, friend.

Bekah --

My beautiful best friend.  I cannot even begin to describe how blessed I am to have such a godly young lady as yourself in my life.  Your life consistently emanates the love you have for our Jesus, always seeking Him and pursuing the call He has for your life.  And regardless of what situations life throws at you, you remain in the grace and peace that He provides.  You have set such an example for me over these past few years, helping me to be confident in who the Lord has created me to be.  Not having you here is so bitter sweet -- all I ever want for you is to be where the Lord is calling you to be...but it is certainly hard to not desperately miss you when I need to know what I should wear, am having a girl-out moment (the few that I actually have, naturally having no idea what is going on...), when I need some straight up tough love, or just having someone to listen while I talk it out.  You are always there for me, time and time again, faithful till the end.  I can only hope to be such a blessing to someone else in the same way you are such a blessing to me.  We have in fact been through everything and the moon, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat.  I love you oh so very much.

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"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealously, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.  It is not conceited (arrogant or inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.  Love (God's love for us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy, fretful, or resentful; it takes no account to the evil done unto it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].  It does not rejoice at injustice or unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.  Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best in every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].  Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]."

    I Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

A Happy Heart.

I am going to ask to be excused from all cliché and cheesiness for the next few moments.  But I just cannot contain myself any longer.  I am such a ham.

Today has been simply fantastic.  I seriously have been smiling non stop since my 8:25am ballet class this morning.  What is the deal? …I have been asking myself the same question, as well as every other person who has witnessed this today.  

Now I would describe myself as naturally optimistic and of a cheery disposition, but as of last Thursday evening, I have been beyond myself -- just ecstatic. Even now, as I write, I have this ridiculous smile beaming across my face.  It is the strangest thing ever but entirely lovely all in the same.

Recently, the Lord has really been helping me to be thankful for His small moments -- the things I often forget or take for granted.  And in doing so, I have become more and more aware of how good my God truly is -- just by taking a moment to look at all that He has given me...all that I do not deserve.

There is oh so much...but it would take a lifetime to list. 

So -- I will just share a few highlights of what has made my today…

First...

I have the greatest friends.  Ever.  And sure, who does not  say that...but I am a part of a family that was brought together by none other than God Almighty Himself.  Boom. We complement each other perfectly, each having an important role to play.  They make me laugh more than any other humans I have ever known.  They love me for the crazy that I am.  They are willing to get real with me...a little truth or truth, ya see.  But most importantly, they drive me towards Christ, to strive to be the woman of God that He has created me to be.  And that, my friends, is priceless.  I love you all so much. 

And a little more...

A girl asked me in ballet on Friday why I was always smiling during class, even when we are doing the most laborious and technical work.  I first shared with her that I am in fact a goon and like to make everything into a good time, as if she did not have that figured out already.  But then I told her that dancing is the single greatest gift that I have been blessed with and have no other response but to smile.  I often imagine myself being the only one in the entire room, just worshiping before my God.  And then, I get to share His joy -- with anyone and everyone who wants in on what I have inside of me.  It is just so perfect, so beautiful. 

And a little more…

I recently joined a ministry at the church I attend here in Minneapolis (Hope Community Church) where I will be a part of a worship team that will help out a recent church plant of Hope until they are stable enough to have their own team.  Basically I have the opportunity to lead people into one of the most wonderful forms of communication with our God while using yet another gift that I have been ever so blessed with.  Ah.  I am so excited.

And most importantly…

I have a Savior -- enough said.  He came to this world and gave His life, that I may live in Him and with Him for all of eternity.  He is my grace, unconditional love , satisfaction, mercy, forgiveness, peace, joy, self control, countless blessings...and so much more.  And yet again, my words fail to express the humbleness and gratitude and love my heart has for my Jesus. 

And what better reason can compare to the joy that I have found in my Lord.  He is so good.

Jesus paid it all;

All to Him I owe.

Sin had left its crimson stain;

He washed it white as snow.

"...in your presence there is fullness of joy…"

Psalm 16:11   

Neither Man Nor Sandwich: Part 2.

"It breaks my heart to see that my faith is weak, that His sacrifice is not enough for me to be content and satisfied in who He has created me to be and in all that He has promised.  If I truly was, I would not seek for approval and fulfillment in mankind…"

The learning from the fast continues -- a revealing Part 2. 

And I cannot believe I am about to do this.

Boys.  Here we go.

As a forever-single-lady, I would be lying if I said I did not wonder when or if I will ever have my shot at love.  Cheesy, but true.  What a girl.  But marriage has always been a desire of my heart, and I truly believe it is something that will be a part of my future.  The only problem is that as a twenty-year-old-forever-single-lady, I have a tendency to become impatient and take matters into my own hands...which has clearly never worked out for me.

The concept of "being on the prowl" (which is SO embarrassingly true) has become all too familiar with me.  I say that the desire of my heart is to be loved by only one, yet I become so depressed  when there has yet to be a suitor.  Well of course I am going to have to be on a pursuit, because they (every other boy) are ultimately not suppose to end up as my suitor in the first place...meaning, I would have to do something in order to change that.

Why is there such a desire to be desired? I like to convince myself that it is a simple fact of human nature and everybody struggles with it (which may actually be true), but deep down I know there has to be more to it than that. 

Knowing that someone is interested in me, whether the "feelings are mutual" or not,  confirms the fact that someone may actually be able to love me some day...I feel needed, I feel worth while.  Again, what a girl.  But if I am not suppose to be with someone, why on earth would I want them to be interested in me in the first place?  So must desperation for all the wrong reasons...

Leading only to inevitable pain and more loneliness than when I began.

If this is the case, then why do I keep crawling back to my methods of shameless (and actually really  embarrassing) attempts to prove my worth through anyone who will give me a glimmer of hope?  Clearly I have no faith in the fact that the Lord may actually have a plan for me that is far better than anything I could imagine.  Gasp.  For all I know, I do not even know him yet.  For all I know, I already do… Regardless, the Lord knows what He is doing -- which should be far more comforting than anything I muster up on my own. 

Whoever he is, he has the right to my whole heart.  But I cannot keep that promise and continue to actively search for approval in others, despite how "harmless" my intentions may seem.  Whoever he is, he should be driving me towards Christ and my relationship with Him.  If I am constantly experiencing anxiety, fear, jealousy, and worry, I know my feelings are not of God.  I know my eyes are looking everywhere but on things above. 

I should not -- will not -- have to prove anything to anyone, for I will be loved for exactly who the Lord has created and fashioned me to be.

Now, this is not to be confused with me announcing my separation from the male population and living in my own little corner in my own little room until Prince Charming finds me...this is not Disney, people.  I am a firm believer that the Lord puts humans into our lives intentionally -- to live, to learn, and to grow with them. 

How do I expect myself to know when the right person is finally standing in front of me if I have never seen qualities or characteristics of him in anyone else?  The Lord has been so gracious to bless me with real, God-fearing gentlemen in my life who respect me as a daughter of Christ and encourage me to live at His standards.  And without them, I would be at a loss.  I am so thankful. 

By simply striving  to be the woman of God that I have been called to be, the rest will fall into place in due time...in God's time.  If I cannot find satisfaction and contentment in God Almighty, first and foremost, then I will never be able to find it in anyone else.  And until then, I will have to continue to wait.  I need to lay this at His feet, I need to walk away from my right to self…

I need to let Him write my love story.

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"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealously, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.  It is not conceited (arrogant or inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.  Love (God's love for us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy, fretful, or resentful; it takes no account to the evil done unto it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].  It does not rejoice at injustice or unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.  Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best in every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].  Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

           I Corinthians 13:4-8, 13