Living the Dream.

Two weeks ago today, I packed up my life, left absolutely everything I knew, and moved to Texas -- with only the peace of God that this is where I was supposed to be and with the faith that something great would come out of this new chapter of my life.  Although I was completely confident in the decision to come here, I was also intimidated by the simple fact that I had no context of what my year would look like.  Talk about fear of the unknown.

Now that I have actually had some time to settle in to this new land (literally, Texas is a whole different get-up), I can confidently say that I am in LOVE with what I will be participating and growing in for the next nine months.  In short, I am a trainee in a dance company that develops dancers in all realms of spirit, soul, and body in order to use their gifts as vessels for ministry and outreach. 

Not only do I take intense technique classes in various styles (even hip hop...sista's got some new swag), but I also take biblical application classes that connect our movement with our spirit man, as well as strengthen our relationship with Christ and our biblical foundation as believers.  We get the amazing opportunity to tour the country with a convention called Dance Revolution where God is truly the focus and the dancing is taught to encourage thankfulness and worship for the amazing gift that dance is.

I still get excited just thinking about it all...let alone realizing that this is actual real life! 

God is good. 

Over this past week and a half, my body has been rocked (talk about getting back in shape), I have been blessed with new friendships that encourage me to diligently seek Christ, my heart has already begun to transform and soften through the grace and love of God, and I have been continually reassured that is in fact where I am suppose to be for this season of my life.

Thinking back to my 8th grade self at my very first Dance Revolution, feeling an intense compelling that one day I would be a part of this program -- not knowing when or how or why -- I am so humbled and grateful that God has fulfilled His promise that dance would one day be my life.  And even in the times where I ran from it and doubted His Words, He covered me with His grace and allowed me to run back to Him, crawl into His arms, and begin to work through the calling He has on my life.

So for now, this is my new home away from home.  And I will stay as long as I am needed, until He says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

God is doing AMAZING things here, and I am completely in awe and extremely blessed to play a part in His movement to change our generations to come for His Kingdom and ultimate glory.

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."

Psalms 37:4-5

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And It Was Good.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been pondering what I allow to affect my life and the manifestations that follow.  With every new day that I face, something is put into action, regardless if it carries the status of beneficial or destructive.  I like to think that I do not have control over every individual outcome that occurs, because I like to think that is what makes life...life.  But what I do believe is that it is my responsibility to respond.

The response that I can give has many different personas, if you will, which are typically dependent on where the outcomes lie on the scale of good and not so good.  Naturally speaking, positive situations bring about positive responses which often look like thankfulness, patience, love, grace, joy, peace, and excitement.  In opposition, negative situations bring about negative responses which often look like sadness, anger, loneliness, depression, defeat, anxiety, and fear.  And as this is a fairly agreed upon system of the nature of life, I get stuck. 

If this is how it is "suppose" to work, then why do I struggle so much with finding my joy when my life is constantly producing reasons for me to be nothing but happy, or at least something of that nature.

Fortunately, the Lord has been so gracious in helping me wrap my mind around this, for it is something I have been fighting with for long enough.  My attention has recently been pointed to Romans.  In Chapter 8, I came across a verse that I have known for practically my whole life:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

I would normally interpret this in a manner that my mind can understand, meaning (at least for me) that everything will eventually work out because I am a follower of Christ, love Him deeply, and it is what has been promised to me.  This verse is to give me hope in the times where no light seems to be shining and when I ultimately want to give up.  And these interpretations are based on my understanding of the word "good" that is used in this verse, in the way that society (and often myself) defines it -- desirable, pleasant, happy, enough, enjoyable, complete, perfect. 

But what is the definition "good" in this context?  I do not believe it is how I typically understand it to be, but rather, how the verse defines it -- according to His purpose.  If I have faith in knowing that every good and perfect thing comes from God (James 1:17), then what I understand "good" to be may never actually occur.  It is not to point me to the resolution or conclusion that I desire in any given situation, but rather how the Lord intends on using it for His ultimate glory. 

Mind blown.

If my responses are solely dependent on how this world defines happiness and what I feel in a given circumstance, I will be royally disappointed time after time.  Even when life is on the up and up, I can struggle (and do struggle) with seeing the good, simply because I am trying to define it for myself rather than how it was actually intended.  And as I am still left perplexed in this newfound revelation, I am aware that a shift in perspectives and a change of heart need to take place. 

The Lord is using my life, from the most brilliant of moments to the most heart-wrenching and painful experiences, for His ultimate glory.  I may never understand, but I can always have faith.  And by constantly being filled with His comfort and compassion, I can then be a light to others out of the overflow of my heart.

"Praise be to God and Father our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

And because of this, I am compelled to respond in a new way, that takes the focus off of me and directs it to where it truly belongs.  I wish this was natural, but human nature has proven to be my nemesis more than I would prefer.  I am sick and tired (literally) of accepting defeat in the things that I cannot understand -- talk about the most exhausting and depressing state of being.   So I have finally decided to do something about it...finally.

I recently purchased a new journal (that is entirely precious if I may add) for the specific purpose of writing something in it each day, something that I am thankful for regardless of the outcome of my day.  And as this may be cliché, it is a small and simple exercise that I can do to continually point me to Christ and His evident blessings in my life.  It was important to me that this task would not be overwhelming, as to encourage my desire to participate and truly reflect, as opposed to feeling defeated quickly by too much too fast -- which I have done to myself one too many times.

In order to break a habit, I have to fast and pray.  In order to gain a habit, I have to practice and pray.  Meaning if I want to stop dwelling in my misery, I need to stop giving it permission to be my standard response.  But this also means that I have to do something different and make it a part of my daily routine, as to eventually become natural and instinctive.  I do not know what to expect in all of this, because I do not want to limit what God can do through this process.  But I can have faith that it will continue to draw me closer to Him, that He can be my standard response. 

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"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

Just Call Me Jonah.

If I had all the right words to explain this thing I call life, I would.  But seeing as that will never be the case, I will simply do my best to explain where I am right now. 

It is an interesting place, to say the least.  Nothing that I have really ever experienced before -- it is confusing, heart-wrenching, revealing, moving forwards, moving backwards, humbling, empty, and full of growth and change -- all in the same.  I have such a desire to pull myself out of this pit , but the temptation to exist in this chaos is just as enticing.  For it is familiar and comfortable, despite how miserable it truly is. 

But I know better than that; I know that the Lord will put me right where He wants me to be, regardless  if I continually neglect the opportunities that He has provided for me to do so on my own.  The act of surrendering seems to be the most daunting, because it means something will have to change, because it means I have to admit that I am dying inside. 

So I run, as far away as I can from facing what has been staring me in the face all this time.  There is a hope that everything will eventually disappear and I will be able to move forward like nothing ever happened.  But the farther I run, the more my world falls apart.  My relationships with my closest and dearest of friends suffer, my motivation to be an active learner and thinker shuts down, my desires to seek the Lord with all my heart dissipate to the point of a non-existent state -- leaving me empty and alone.

And it is here that I now find myself, in the belly of my whale.

Because I was not willing to lay myself down, He had to do it for me.  And it hurts.  And not only is it immensely uncomfortable, it also means that the process of surrendering myself will require so much more than it would have if I had just done it when He asked me to the first time...the first time.

I struggle with dwelling on everything that I could have done differently or that I should have never done to begin with; I struggle with changing my attitude on how I will get out of here.  But I know it is only with faith and His strength that will allow me to come to the place of restoration, for only He can change my heart. 

There must be an element of complete commitment to this process, otherwise I will end up right back where I began, running.  I can honestly say (for the first time in a while) that I want out; I have a desire to make things right.  But knowing where to start is overwhelming, it brings me to tears to even think about how much has been neglected and lost, let alone to see it manifesting right before my eyes.  

It breaks my heart.

But now it is time to go, it is time to go where I should have been all along.  Hallelujah for the gift of grace, for my hell-deserving human does not deserve a second chance.  It would be ignorant to assume that just because I have chosen to obey that my tomorrow will be just as it should.  I have to continually and consistently choose to devote my everything to my Everything; I have to choose to surrender, daily. 

Knowing that change needs to take place and further accepting responsibility for the situation that I find myself in are the first steps to surrendering.  It will not be easy, and I will not always want to choose to do so.  But if I do what I want, I won't do much. 

So here I find myself, off to Nineveh, girded with only the strength and assurance of my Lord.  I must choose to follow, I must choose to have faith in the promise that there is hope outside this whale of my world.

"The waters surrounded me, even to my soul;

The deep closed around me;

Weeds were wrapped around my head.

I went down to the moorings of the mountains;

The earth with its bars closed behind me forever;

Yet You have brought up my life from the pit,

Oh Lord, my God."

-- Jonah 2:5-6

Numb.

"Today is a good day to have a good day." 

It is often the simplest of things that get me thinking.  And after Rebecca said this to me one morning as she was leaving for class, a part of me would not let her words go, like she knew that was exactly what I needed to hear.

The fact that this simple statement resonated so deeply within me was actually rather surprising, for I consider myself a fairly optimistic person with a cheery disposition; there is always good to be found in every day.  But it was also the least bit surprising all in the same, for believing these words has been the most difficult concept to grasp, to say the least. 

I have not had a good day in a long time.  It hurts to think about, let alone saying it out loud.  But I would be lying to myself if I admitted anything different.  If you know me at all, you know that I am an expressive individual; I base the majority of my decisions on how I feel, from the inside out.  I am often inspired by people and places and words and things that I see, and as a result, I am moved by my desire to show compassion towards them.  So to say that I have felt little to nothing for the past month, that nothing has brought life to my soul or compelled me to go, is really saying something. 

It is foreign, it is exhausting, and it is empty.

My motivation for everything has been completely lost -- to be a good best friend or a friend at all, to be an active student and learner, to be a thinker, to pursue a relationship with my Savior, to communicate, to have patience, to be a forgiver, to be thankful.  I rarely sleep.  I have little or no appetite.  I am extremely homesick.  I just exist, in the most basic sense of the word.

Before I move on, I should probably note that there have been in fact moments, little glimmers of light if you will, that have presented themselves over this past while.  I would not want to discredit the people and the interactions that I have encountered that have kept me going, that are literally the only things holding my head above the water right now.  I am grateful -- which is one of very few things that I have actually felt.

The scariest part about all of this is that I am completely aware of what is happening, and even believe that deep down somewhere, I have the desire to break free of this depressing bondage.  But if I am learning anything from this uncomfortable journey, it is that I am capable of becoming numb to even the desire to be happy.   A change of heart requires action and even work -- but it is easier to suffer and hope that everything will eventually go away than it would be to actually do something about all of this. 

It makes me really sad.

Now, the purpose of me sharing all of this is not to gain your sympathy or for someone to tell me that what I am going through is unhealthy and that I should probably get help -- believe me, I know this better than anyone else.  But last night for the first time in about a month, I prayed.  It was short and it was simple, but it was something.  I can tell you right now that I did not want to, and it was hard.  But after being encouraged by one of my best friends, I knew it was time.

Then today happened, as most todays do after yesterdays.  And for the first time in quite a while, I felt happy.  And not just for a moment, for the whole day.  I would like to credit my feelings to the fact that I had a decent night of sleep, that I met up with a friend that I have not seen in a while and chatted about so many lovely things for four straight hours, that the weather is unusually beautiful and warm, that I get to hang out with my roommate and best friend when I return home from writing these very words…

But all those things, in some fashion or another, have been here the whole time.  Today was different because I actually felt their presence, because my heart was softened.  And even if it was only the tiniest bit of relief, it was just what I needed to have any sort of hope.  I do not expect everything to go back to normal tomorrow, for nothing has been made right.  But I want to make it right, which is progress in itself.  I do not know what it will look like, what it will feel like, or what I will gain (or lose) in all of this -- but it is time.  It was time a long time ago.

To the best of my ability, in the only Strength and Hope that I have left, I will continue to search for the light -- by His grace and His unconditional love, for it is all that I have to cling to. 

Because today is a good day to have a good day.  And tomorrow will be too. 

"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." 

-- Psalm 118:24

Home for the Summer.

Another summer has come and gone, I swear it goes by faster every year.  And although I am rather stir crazy to return to the cities, to reunite with some of my closest friends, and to take a break from my break, it would only be fair for me to give my summer one last hoorah before moving forward to the months ahead of me.

To be completely honest, I was not even sure that I was going to even come back.  After living in Minneapolis for three school years, I have really begun to appreciate all that it has to offer and how significant of a place it has become in my life – my home away from home.  Besides the fact that I would be returning to the same old same old…and was that where I really wanted to spend the entirety of my summer?  But as the end of my spring semester approached, I felt more and more compelled to go home.  I was not entirely sure why and was not entirely sure that I even wanted to.  But if I have learned anything in my life, it is to go where He tells me to go, trusting that there will be a means to the end.

So to my home in Wisconsin I went, not knowing what was in store for me. 

Now I would be lying if I said this summer was all rainbows and grilled cheese sandwiches, for there were many moments where I found myself regretting my decision, frustrated and stuck.  But as my days continued, I began to realize the purpose of my venture, which was nothing that I anticipated or expected, as that always seems to be the case.  Human nature strikes again.

The majority of my summer was spent doing the things I always do, but sometimes the simplicity of going back to the basics reveals the complexity of what lies beneath it all.  But by revisiting these “basics” – spending time with my family, serving at my home church, investing a part of me into two very special kiddos (as big or as small as it may have been), fasting and praying, being a big sister and even more so a friend to Abigail, fostering relationships that have always been – I was able to see the significant value that they carry in my life.  Their constant presence, as repetitive and sometimes unnecessary as they may seem, has created the foundation for my future.  Without them, I would not be where I am today and would not be able to go where I will eventually need to go. 

There has always been uneasiness to me about change, about moving on and forever leaving behind things that were always once so dear to me.  I think it is just scary.  This summer has taught me to think beyond that, for the first time ever.  It is not always about leaving something behind; it can be about building upon it, using what is familiar to help develop the unknown.  And sure, things will not always be the same.  Change is inevitable, but it is okay. 

And above all, I have a life promised in Him, which will be far better than anything I imagine or attempt to accomplish in my own strength – I need to trust and follow, believing that the changes that will occur will be what has been intended for me all along.

I cannot say whether this will be my final summer at home, as nice as knowing would be.  But I will know when I need to know, and until then, I will continue to live one day at time.  Because it will be okay, everything will be more than okay. 

So cheers to you, summer.  You have once again proven to be my favorite. 

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

-- Matthew 6:34

A Revelation from Within.

As it has been too long since I have put my thoughts into words, I ask for your patience as I ease myself back into something that I almost forgot brought so much joy to me. 

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About a month ago, I took part in another Daniel fast as a kick-off for the rest of my summer, as well as for a time of solitude and surrender to anything that Lord had in store for me.  I was excited, not only because I thoroughly enjoyed my previous experience, but also because I was interested to see how the two would compare. 

Throughout my week of fasting, I was waiting for my “revelation” or the “ah-ha moment” that I had been all too familiar with from my previous fast.  I kept asking the Lord to reveal to me parts of my life that needed attention or that He saw fit for change, but the only things that continued to press my heart were issues that always seem to be there, that have simply become a part of the make-up of who I am.

This frustrated me; I was looking for something greater, something beyond myself.  But the Lord had a different plan – a better plan – as He continues to prove time and time again.  Expecting my fasts to be similar was naive, but alas I allowed my human nature to get the best of me and actually hinder the process.  And now that I look back, that does not surprise me one bit.

There are many areas in my life that I refuse to surrender to the Lord, that I have become so complacent and live with on a daily basis without even an awareness of their effect on myself and everything else around me.  There I was, begging for a revelation, when all the while He was giving me exactly what I needed. 

The deepness in which these things penetrate my soul is uncomfortably scary.  They have become so close to me that I no longer see them worthy of attention or change; they will just always be.  But who am I to say that all hope is lost and I am the way that I will always be?  Simple – a human being who once again displays such little faith in who I declare my God to be.  

So where do I go from here, how do I begin to change the innermost being that I am into what it has been intended to be?  Simple – I ask for help, from the only One who can change my heart.  Having to dig out the wells of filth from within can be an ugly thing and fairly unpleasant, to say the least, but absolutely necessary all in the same if there is any hope for growth and change for the better.  

It is amazing what the Lord can accomplish when I actually allow Him to have free reign over my spirit, soul, and body, when I stop allowing my human nature to get the best of me.  Surrender is not an easy task by all means.  In fact, I know it is something that cannot be mastered in one day.  It is a process – a life-long commitment – that I must see worthy of the most important priority of everything I will ever do.  For once I stop making it about myself, all that is intended will fall into place just as it has been promised.  And that is a risk I must be willing to take.

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"Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him. Until I do this, I will lose every time. The battle may take one minute or one year, but that will depend on me, not God. However long it takes, I must wrestle with it alone before God, and I must resolve to go through the hell of renunciation or rejection before Him. Nothing has any power over someone who has fought the battle before God and won there."

-- Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest

Use Somebody.

I often find myself thinking about if my personal and past experiences can influence others, how I can use my story to encourage or set an example for someone who may need it someday.  It is an interesting concept, to know that my previous struggles or triumphs could serve for a greater purpose beyond myself.  And not that I have all the answers (because I never will), but that there is the potential for great benefit amongst others. 

As I am only twenty years young, I am very much aware that there is still learning to be had.  But this can often be turned into an excuse where I do not see myself as suitable for a given situation or as a possible solution to an issue that is far beyond me.  It becomes difficult to conceptualize.  How will I be of any assistance if I have never even been there myself?  Oh human nature, indeed.  

The real question is what I will choose to do with the opportunity that has been placed before me -- to simply follow and trust that He knows what He is doing (which He always does) or to walk away, never knowing how I could have been used for His glory.

There are so many instances in my life that I come across in which I have no idea how I will be useful but know I am suppose to be a part of.  It is a funny feeling, it is even a scary feeling.  Going where no man has gone before!...well, going where I have never gone before.  Uncertainty is just that -- uncertain.  But there can be just as much peace in uncertainty as there is fear.  In fact, I often think that is how it was intended to be.

It all goes back to the concept of genuine and complete surrender, in which I no longer have to think about what God is going to do, because I know He will come.  I must simply remain faithful to Him.  The moment I lose sight of His grace and only find comfort in my own beliefs and experiences is the moment that I restrict myself with limitations, making it impossible for Him to fully flow through me -- I blind myself from the goodness He has intended.

A man recently told me: "Someone might meet Jesus today, and it will look like you." -- which is possibly the most mind-blowing yet simple and beautiful statements that I have ever heard in my entire life.  And as this has always been my heart's desire, that people would see the Jesus in me, I never realized how truly powerful that could be.  At any moment in time, someone could meet Jesus -- because they can see Him in me.

Little did I know how many ways in which this could be manifested, simply because I chose to follow, regardless if it made sense to my human self.  What a blessing it is, to take part in such spontaneous joy that one person can bring to another -- because He has me absolutely.  And even more, this not only gives me the opportunity to be blessing, but it allows me to receive these same joys -- in the most unexpected and overwhelming ways. 

It is wonderful.

And with all of that, I will let Oswald Chambers give the concluding thoughts of today:

"The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, which flows naturally from His nature within us.  And when we look back, we will not be able to determine why we did certain things, but we can know that we did them according to the spontaneous nature of His love in us."

Someone might meet Jesus today, and it will look like you.

"Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young.  Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity."

1 Timothy 4:12