Traditions.

There's no place like home for the holidays.

The older I get, the more I begin to appreciate this very true (and ridiculously cliché) phrase.  Nothing can possibly compare to all the little things that my family does to make Christmas one of my favorite times of the year.  And most of the time there are not even good --if any-- explanations for why we do what we do.  But it makes me feel like a kid again...even if for just a brief moment. 

So as I reminisce, here are some "Konopackaclassics" for the Christmas season -- which I love so very much.

1. Our Christmas tree is (and will always be) real.  We go to this adorable farm in the middle of nowhere and cut down the perfect tree, followed by twinkle lights and decorations.  I personally love seeing the terrible homemade ornaments from my childhood years.  What was I thinking…

2. Christmas Eve consists of Happy Joe's pizza and a holiday movie (The Grinch, The Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life…).  Fancy dinners are so last year.
3. My siblings and I all share a room on Christmas Eve.  This eliminates head starts and sneak-peak attacks.  We also just really like each other.   
4. We open all gifts on Christmas morning, regardless of how much my little sister begs.  It adds to the anticipation.  And Mom and Dad must be awake with coffee in hand before the morning commences.
5. Whoever wears the Santa hat passes out all the gifts.  Abby always wears the Santa hat. 
6. Each sibling has "their bow" that must be placed on "the-mom-and-dad-gift" every year.  Mine is blue and silver and ginormous.
7. When we make Christmas cookies, there is a system.  Do not mess with the system. 
8. When the song "Baby It's Cold Outside" comes on, you must run to the kitchen and walk around in a slo-mo robot fashion.  I am not sure why.  It is just the rule.
9. Any Christmas music made before the year 2000 may not be voluntarily played when my father is home…whether we actually abide by this is more or less debatable.  
10. "I am not giving some fat man in a red suit who does not even exist credit for all my hard work.  I am Santa." -- Dad.  *Sorry if I just ruined that for anyone…*

But most importantly, Christmas is the celebration of our Savior's birth.  Year after year my parents remind us of how blessed we are to have such traditions to look forward to; it is what makes our family Christmas so special.  My favorite tradition is when we place the nativity scene underneath the Christmas tree to remind us why we celebrate, to remind us why we are here.  Because of Jesus.  How beautiful. 

He is the reason for the season.

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"Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And behold,  an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid.  Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people.  For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.  And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: 

“ Glory to God in the highest, 

And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

Luke 2: 8-14

This is the epitome of Christmas -- wrapped up into one beautiful song. 

And I am obsessed with it.  

A Blessing in Disguise.

I was recently inspired by a conversation on Facebook between a slew of siblings.  They were going back and forth with inside --family-- jokes...and it would be safe to say they were the only ones who knew what all the hubbub was about.  It was hilarious.  But it also instantly reminded me of my siblings and how we often interact with each other…

But where does it come from -- this beauty of personal, even sometimes silent, communication.

From 2nd-6th grade, I was homeschooled.  I will be the first to admit that I obtain some of the stereotypical-because-you-were-homeschooled tendencies.  It happens.  I will also be the first to (honestly) tell you how I really felt about being homeschooled...

Truth --

I hated being homeschooled.  I did not care for 4-H or sewing or knitting or wearing dresses, which was apparently the "norm" for the homeschooling population that I grew up with (which my mother never forced me to conform to, despite the loads of bologna she got for it...hallelujah).  I could never find my niche, as apparently everyone else managed to do.  School was boring.  Most of my learning was done through textbooks (homeschooling curriculum), and the only time I was with other students is when other homeschooling families collaborated, which was more rare than not.  People thought we were weird because my brother and I did not go to (real) school…"Do your parents not believe in school?" 

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked that…

At the time, it felt like a trap -- and I wanted out.  There were even times that I thought maybe I did something wrong or something was wrong with me...my parents were embarrassed of me or something (but it should be noted that I had a beyond-the-typical imagination of a child -- I am blessed with very proud parents).  I just wanted to feel normal for once.  But I knew from deep down somewhere that my parents were doing what they thought was best -- I believed them. 

So I just continued on, hoping that it would all make sense some day. 

Now as a Junior in college and am about to venture home for the Christmas holidays, I cannot wait to see my family, to say the least -- they are so precious to me.  Being away is so unnatural, as I spent most of my life in my house with my family, growing up together.  And sure, that is the case for most kids...for anyone; time spent with loved ones is special, often even more than that.  But there are no words to express the bond that I have with my mother, with my father, with my sister, with my brother -- because they were there literally every day, whether I wanted it or not...which I often take for granted. 

If I would have been in school all those years, I would have missed watching my baby sister grow up and being able to teach her what being a kid was all about.  I would not have had the incredible opportunity of being best friends and partners in crime with my big brother, which is not the case for many little sisters.  There were places that I got to go and things that I got to see that other kids could not, because I was home.  For heaven sakes, the three of us (myself and my siblings) all share the smallest bedroom in the house when we are all home together, just because we do not want to be apart for that long...and maybe that is one of those stereotypical-because-you-were-homeschooled tendencies, but it is what I look forward to most when I go home.  It is perfect.  I would not have it any other way.  

This is why we do not have to talk to speak.  This is why I want to be home more often than not.  This is why I love my family the way I love my family.  This is why I am the way that I am.  

It all makes sense now.

Thank you, Mom and Dad -- for our family.   

My Niños.

Over the past semester, I have been attending a local elementary school every Tuesday and Thursday and working with first-grade little people to develop their reading and writing skills.  I did everything from observing, small group work, and creating slash teaching lesson plans, to being teacher for the day (thank you, substitute lady).  And my partnering teacher could not have been a better match -- she was such an excellent example of what a teacher should be. 

What a blessing. 

The school itself has about 600 students, 400 of them speaking a different first language other than English.  I was fortunate enough to be placed in a classroom with students who speak Spanish as their native language.  So for the three hours I would be there, I was communicating, teaching, and learning in Spanish.  Super cool.  Super scary.  I did not know I was even capable of this and was pretty much a living example of "fake it till you make it…" But I was very honest with my students when I had no idea what to say or had no idea what they were saying -- they knew I was just as much of a student as they were.  This created a learning environment of trust and vulnerability, which I am now convinced should always be the case.  And they were so good to me, even though it was just hilarious to them the majority of the time.

I would not have had it any other way.

The whole experience was just so beautiful.  Seeing how much they grew over the semester was phenomenal, to say the least.  And knowing that I was a component to their development just brings me joy...so much joy.  I have learned so much, and these words are in no way sufficient to express that.  Everything the textbooks and professors taught me meant absolutely nothing the moment I walked through those doors.  It is all about experience.

Every classroom, every child, and every day will be different. 

There is so much to learn from little people; they have a lot to say without having to say anything.  We do not nearly give them enough credit for how ingenious they truly are.  Their perspective of learning -- of their world -- has yet to be tainted by society.  They are so free, because that is all they know.  They just want to be loved ...they are humans, for heaven sakes (which we often forget).  And I have the incredible opportunity of nurturing and shaping these little humans into our inevitable future. 

So much power, so much potential.

On Thursday, my last day of practicum, one of my little girls whispered into my ear…"We have a surprise for you and made cards for you but I am not suppose to tell you because it is a secret and it is because we love you." -- Holy precious.  These are moments that I live for, that make me want to do this --teach-- for the rest of my life.  They did not want me to go, and neither did I.  I wanted to cry so badly, knowing that I may never have the opportunity to learn with them ever again.  But I was so overjoyed, so blessed to be a part of something, of someone, so beautiful.

All I could do was smile.

I am going to miss my kids, my niños -- their smiling faces, their hugs, their light-bulb moments, their limitless imaginations, their trust.  They will always have a special place in my heart...my first students.  And I can only thank none other than my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such amazing little people to work with, for an experience of a lifetime.  We were a perfect fit. 

He knew I needed them, He knew they needed me.

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"...Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and Me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them."

Mark 10:14-16

'Tis The Season.

This year, more than any other year, the importance of Christmas -- what it really means to me -- has been resonating in my soul.  Since I was a tot, Christmas has always been the celebration of the birth of Jesus.  Thank you Mom and Dad.  And it is always such a happy time, as it should be.  There is thanksgiving to be had, no doubt.  But the older I get, the more I realize how much weight there is in all of this...in Christmas.

It is so much more than His birth --

God Almighty sent His son to this Earth, which He created, to live a perfect and sinless life, to perform miracles, to save my soul -- so He could die.  The whole point of His existence was to be terminated.  It was He, being completely surrendered to the will of the Father, who gladly paid for my freedom in God so that I may live eternally with Him.  Gladly...

I am the most hell-deserving sinner, yet, I have a God who is forgiveness and unconditional love .  I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around this, making it all the more beautiful.  And Christmas is just that, celebrating the awesome wonder of my God, giving thanks for His life and death...that I may live. 

Jesus paid it all;

All to Him I owe.

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow. 

It is the most wonderful time of the year. 

 "For unto us a child is born,

Unto us a Son is given;

And the government shall be upon His shoulders.

And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:6

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And on a completely separate, but very special note --

This morning I had the privilege to witness my best friend, Rebecca, be baptized for the first time as a fully-devoted follower of Christ.  It was beautiful.  And I cannot say it enough, how proud I am of her...so proud.  The Lord has blessed me with this life-long friendship.  Amen.  We continue to grow in our faith together as daughters of Christ, encouraging and challenging each other to be fully sold out for Him.

Congratulations, Rebecca.  I am so proud.  You are a beautiful example of Christ living in and through you -- giving Him all the glory.  Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.  I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for you.  He will do great things.

"Oh don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Christ were baptized into His death?  We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life."

Romans 6:3-4 

Confident Competence.

Having child-like faith is something that I constantly strive for in my relationship with Jesus -- genuine, simple, pure -- to come before my Savior with open hands and an open heart, without fear or doubt.  My motivation to know Him more is because He is beautiful, because He has saved me.  His love is unconditional through my faults and failures.  He has a specific purpose for me, consecrated and unique. 

And as I would hope, these characteristics are often evident in my present-day life.  Unfortunately, the world tends to view simplicity as ignorance and incompetence, rather than something of beauty. 

It is considered naïve --

I frequently find myself questioning if people take me seriously, knowing that I am a human of simplicity.  I strive to remain uncomplicated and relatable, plain and straightforward.  What you see is what you get.  Are there days that I wish I could be considered scholarly and sophisticated?  Absolutely...more than I probably should.  Sometimes I search for ways to appear more "mature" in the eyes of those above me and in the eyes of my peers.  But it has proven to be a guaranteed flop.  

I am always uncomfortable, regret trying to be something that I am not -- 

I was made the way I was made for a reason.  God has specific intentions for my personality, for my simplicity.  But in order to truly believe this, I need to look past -- completely disregard -- the opinions of man and be thankful for what I have been blessed with and use it for His glory. 

Oswald Chambers says it best:

"Maturity is produced in the life of a child of God on the unconscious level, until we become so totally surrendered to God that we are not even aware of being used by Him."

Maturity does not mean I need to be something that I am not.  It means that I need to be so in tune with who God has made me and how He is using me -- that I am consciously dependent on God, completely confident in my competence in Him.   He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness.

It is simple.  It is beautiful. 

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

Philippians 4:8-9 

'Til Death Do Us Part.

Dear Grandpa,

Last weekend the whole Konopacki family got together to celebrate Busha's 75th birthday -- old photos, close friends, good memories, polka dancing, laughter, tears, family…   Busha was so happy and so blessed that all of us could be there just for her.  

You would you have been so proud. 

I wanted more than anything for you to be there.  It just seemed fit.  Seeing you in so many pictures and hearing so many stories about you was nothing less than bitter sweet.  I miss your smiling face and gentle eyes.  I miss your jokes at dinner and your never-ending abilities to make me laugh.  I miss polka dancing in the garage to Polka Dan and Spike Jones.  I miss learning from you.  I miss you holding me, telling me everything will be alright.

When I was a little girl, I thought you were invincible -- you were my super hero.  You were perfect in my eyes.  I wanted to grow up and be just like you.  But here's the thing...I still do.  You are still invincible,  you are still my super hero. 

But life moves on, you know?  And it hurts, it hurts really bad.  I am afraid you are going to become just a faint memory, something that happened once upon a time.  I do not want the part of me that was with you to be pushed under the rug, like it never happened. 

But in my deepest of souls I know this could never happen.  I love you too much.

Your love for your wife, for your children, for your grandchildren -- for your family -- is still present today.  I now know the importance of family, and not just having one, but staying close, loving each other through thick and thin.  That's what I love about my family, our family.  You have established this need in all of us, children and grandchildren alike.  We want to spend time together, growing up and growing old together.  We love each other and always will.  We are family. 

So, thank you -- for more than we even know.

I can't wait to see you again, on that glorious day.  Until then, know that I love you and always will.  Because I knew you, I have been changed for the better, changed for good.

Love always,

Beth.  

Just Because.

The last couple of days have been full of internal reflection...

On Sunday morning, I was challenged and compelled to evaluate my desire to follow Christ, seeing if it is full of a genuine passion or if it is something of predestine belief, because this is how it has always been.

Does my understanding of the freedom of the Gospel lead me to the freedom to follow Christ?

Many times I find myself explaining why I choose or rather not choose certain behaviors, beliefs, expectations, etc over others.  My answer is usually a matter of right from wrong, how I believe I should be carrying myself in a given way. 

But it is more than that --

Having a religion and having a relationship are two different concepts:  Religion is tradition, because that is what establishes good and bad, because that is what you are suppose to do.  Having a relationship, with God Almighty Himself, is about making the determination to let go of everything and deliberately commit it all to Him --  I get to follow Him, because of His sacrifice, because of His unconditional love.

It should not be a matter of "because that's just the way it is…", it should be a matter of holding myself to His standards that He has set before me so that I am able to pursue His will for my life and serve Him accordingly, for His glory. 

Making God my reason for purpose allows me to experience His perfect favor and blessing -- a reflection of His never-ending grace and mercy, no doubt.  And once I have been filled with His Spirit, I have the opportunity to share it with others, to be His witness to those who are lost, without hope.

This concept is nothing new, it just finally clicked; it became real to me.  Being a child of God is a privilege, and I should be a living, breathing sacrifice for His name's sake…

Because I get to.   

"He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it."

-Matthew 10:39

Yellow Rain.

As I sat on the West Bank of campus today enjoying my Starbucks and the daily crossword puzzle, I was completely taken by the trees that were in front of the building in which I was sitting ...

They were yellow, a vibrant yellow, and the branches seemed to move like waves, back and forth.  The blue sky peaked through the pockets of the leaves, trying to get it's fair share of attention.  And as the wind blew, hundreds of tiny yellow leaves slowly twirled to the ground, almost like rain -- it was incredible. 

I know Fall is now in session, meaning the trees get noticed a lot more, almost as if they are a new entity to our world.  But this was different, unlike anything I had ever seen before.  Who knew something so simple, like the natural occurrence of leaves falling of the trees, could be so breath taking. 

The most simple things are often times the most beautiful --

Then I got exited, because I remembered that those yellow trees, so perfect in their existence, were a reflection of the Creator Himself.  And even more so amazing, I too was made to reflect Him.  That's powerful, to know that He cared so much about who I was going to be that He created me in His perfect image. 

Nature is a miraculous wonder, always changing, never ceasing to amaze.  And I am so thankful -- to be considered beautiful in His eyes. 

"I will praise You forever, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows well." 

 - Psalms 139:14

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Sufficient.

If only I could be like ______ .

There are so many times where I find myself comparing my abilities to others -- what they can do versus what I can do…or rather, what I think I should be able to do.  I never seem to measure up in my head, short-changing myself and excepting that I may never be good enough.  I find myself constantly seeking the approval of others to confirm if what I am choosing to do is good for me…good for anyone.

Now, receiving guidance is genius, and I highly suggest finding people in your life who truly know you and can use their wisdom to help you on your journey of life, because they have experience, because they are to be trusted.  But I start getting into trouble when I need to satisfy myself with the opinions of man…because I'm just not content without it.  And this is bad news bears, because we humans are of the folly sort.  If all my confidence is in the opinions of others, what they think I can and cannot do, then I will never be confident -- Simple as that. 

I say that I am living the life God has set out before me, but I am not even bothering to seek His council or His approval first, or worse, not at all.  Am I neglecting the fact that His grace is sufficient? 

There has to come a time where I am willing to give up my full self -- every single ounce of self -- in order to gain Him...laying aside all human opinions and comparisons, being content in Him.  He created every person as an individual, meaning, we are all gifted with various strengths and abilities; I can never be you, and you can never be me.  We are called for our own specific purpose, whether we choose to believe in it or not. 

The Lord has continually blessed me with so many opportunities to use my strengths that He has given me for His glory -- it shouldn't matter whether I or anyone else thinks I'm capable or will succeed; as long as I do everything through Him, I am able.  My abilities have nothing to do with it.

It is all Him.  

"My grace is enough; it's all you need.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.  Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciated the gift.  It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations that cut me down to size -- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Torn.

Summer is my favorite season...so warm, so much to do, no school.  Holla.  I love home, and I love Wisco.  But usually by now (as it is towards the end of summer's reign) I am more than eager to return to my city in Minneapolis...

I have yet to be excited --

This summer has been a "me" summer, if you will.   Meaning, I've pretty much done what I've wanted to do and taken a lot of time for myself to discover and see -- not worrying about adult stuff and such.  It's pretty neat... living the "it will all work out" theory.  I like it.

But I have one week left--

One week to tie up loose ends and finish everything I've attempted to start this summer.  I think I'm really worried, worried that I'll leave home with unfinished business.  Did I spend enough time with my family?  Did I use my time wisely?  Am I leaving anyone behind?  ...Gah.  This is also probably why I can't sleep. 

But to be fair to myself, I did a lot this summer:

• Road trip to Oregon (yes, drove across the country in a little car with three lovely people while dining on animal crackers and cupcakes...and yes, the mountains were SO worth it).
• Singin' in the Rain musical (dream come true).
• Rochester (one word...Hoedown).
• 4th of July with the fam (all my best friends in my home for a whole weekend.  Be jealous).
• First real family vacation (ever).
• Youth Retreat (Found my voice).
• Pretty Little Liars and chocolate cake.
• Working with little people (best people in the world).
• True love (...Phineas and Ferb.  Don't judge).
• Konopacki Family Reunion (love these folk).
• Jenny (867-5309).
• Dress feddish.
• Stars located (not via astronomy).

And that's not even the whole list...who knew.  Focusing on what I've accomplished instead of what I may not feel is complete seems so much more gratifying.  Sure, nothing is wrong with missing home -- I have a lot of people and places and people that I love and have no desire to leave (if only you kids fit in my suitcase...).  And sure, my summer didn't go exactly as planned.  But isn't that what I wanted all along?  To love more than I ever have: my family, my friends, my home.  To fly by the seat of my pants.  To not worry about growing up.

If I wouldn't have accomplished this, even the slightest bit, leaving would be so much easier.  I am excited to see my Minneapolis again...it's my home away from home.  But I am sad to let all this go, all this  freedom and discovery and love.  And as much as I want just a little more time to feel ready, a little more time will always add up to never moving on...and life thrives on forward motion.

So cheers to you, summer.  It's been good. 

Until next year.  

Center Stage.

Today I was hanging out with my friend Emily.  We talked about an array of things and meandered around town; it was lovely.  We are both in a musical together this summer, Singing in the Rain (which is my absolute favorite), and the show came up quite often seeing as it is very present in our lives right now.  We talked about our fabulous costumes, fake eye lashes, the awesome people we get to work with, and how nice it is to get to sing and dance...just because we can.  We decided that even though we may not be the best singers slash dancers slash actors to be had, we love musical theatre, and we love to sing and dance -- what more could we want?

Then it dawned on me that this is applicable to many aspects of life…

Instead of constantly focusing on being the best and getting noticed, choose to remember why you are doing what you are doing -- because you love it, because it makes you smile.  It's not about being the most important, it's about being so thrilled of your whereabouts and how you get to share it with others. 

People take notice to joy; they want in on what you have.  But it's hard to be happy when there is such a fight to succeed.  And even if you aren't where you want to be quite yet, find something good, something to be thankful for.  There is always good if you look hard enough.  And the more you do it, the easier it becomes. 

The biggest pressure in life is yourself.  So let's take a breather, folks.  Life isn't as bad as it's all cooked up to be.  And so I encourage you -- do what you do because you love it, do what you do because there is thanks to be had, do what you do because it brings joy to others.  

"...in Your presence is fullness of joy..."

Psalm 16:11

Real Faith.

Seeing is believing-- the common phrase a majority of humans abide by.  Sure we say we have faith that we will have a successful future or things will turn out for good, but when do we start to believe...before or after we begin to see results?

I was pondering this concept:  Do I really live by faith or only by what I see?

I'll be the first to admit that it is more easy to be hopeful when things are going right.  No problems, no confusion, no stress.  But hope and faith are two different things.  Hope is a feeling, and simply that.  Yes, it is important...so important.  Being down in the dumps will do nothing good for you.  But if hope is the only thing you have going for you, I guarantee disappointment will be right around the corner.  Hope cannot stand alone. 

Faith is an action; it requires work.  We need not forget that hope is in fact necessary to have faith, for faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Heb. 11:1).  But to me, faith means acting as if what I believe or am hoping for has already come to pass.  If I really believe something, I'll act like it.  All the blessings and promises that have been given to me are already mine, I just need to claim them.  Sure, knowing that they are there and available to me is comforting, but until I choose to draw on my faith and own them, they are nothing.  Faith without works is dead.

If I truly believe that my future is secure, if I truly believe that I have been called for His specific purpose and service, and if I truly believe that I am His child, I should act like it.  No doubt, no worry, no fear.  Boom.  It is impossible to please God without having faith (Hebrews 11: 6), and I cannot fulfill the will of God without faith.  Giddy up. 

"For we live by faith, not by sight."

- 2 Corinthians 5:7

Mi verano.

Today is officially the first day of summer.  Boom.  I was thinking about all the things I like to do in the summer but haven't had time for due to work and more work, which made me sad more than anything.  Well I've been home from school for over a month now -- I need to get out.

I don't want to look back at this summer and not remember it...or regret wasting it.  Instead of wallowing in self-pity slash disappointment, I need to make an effort to get moving, get motivated.  None of my things-to-do-in-the-summer are going to get accomplished by me just hoping they will --action is necessary.  

I am excited to explore.  I want to rediscover what makes home so great, try and learn new things, go to hidden places, laugh, dance, see.  Everyday should have a purpose, everyday I should learn something new.  No longer will my days be wasted; laziness is no excuse.  If I want to get something out of this, I have to put something into it...my time, my attention, my care.

So here's to you, my summer -- we're going to have a ball. 

Getting There.

It always amazes me how the Lord shows up in the least expected places when I need it most.

For the past few weeks, I had not been sleeping well...or at all.  I had no idea why, but I knew the Lord was about to deal with me.  Well, a thirty-hour drive and a week trip to Oregon proved to not only bring about fun and fellowship, but epiphanies too.  As we sat in the back of Bekah's van on our way to Detroit Lake and talked about where we felt the Lord was leading us or what are biggest desires in life were, for the first time, I doubted my future career, what I have been working towards for the past two years. 

My heart was troubled, my heart was broken--

Am I really pursuing the future that God has planned for me, or am I compromising for second best because I had no faith in the first place?  Heavy stuff.  Needless to say, I had a mini-break down ...there were tears...because it dawned on me that I have this passion burning inside of my soul that I continue to ignore simply because I never believed I was good enough to be successful...or even try.  My heart's desire has always been to do what the Lord has called me to do, to serve Him fully;  my passions would be the passions that He has placed inside of me.  Am I trying to do this my own way?  Rebecca reminded me that whatever I was going through would only work out for good: either this would solidify my current choices or it would change them; I'll end up where God wants me to be.  And as always, she encouraged me to pray and truly seek Him.

And the prayers continue--

About three days ago, I finally purchased a copy of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  It's a one-year, daily devotional that discusses basic Bible principles that are very applicable to everyday life.  Both my roommates, Rebecca and Bekah, have gone through it more than once and have been suggesting it to me for quite some time.  Boom.  I bought it.  I did my first study last night, and low and behold, just what I needed to hear.  It was all about fully committing every part of my life to Him, not doing things on my own. 

"The attitude necessary for you to come to Him is one where your will has made the determination to let go of everything and deliberately commit it all to Him." (Chambers).  -- Clearly there are parts of my life that I'm holding on to, such as my future.  Who am I to say that the Lord is not able to allow me to succeed in any arena of life, even if I don't believe I have the ability?  If He has called me to do it, He will make a way. 

"If I simply come to Jesus, my real life will be brought into harmony with my real desires." (Chambers).

It's time to rest in the Lord, to have faith in how He will work in my life.  Whether this means staying strong in what I'm doing or completely changing gears to something new, I am ready to listen, I am ready to follow.  Yes.

"Come to me, all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

- Matthew 11:28

Sail On, Seabee.

Nine months--

The next time I get to talk to my best friend, my big brother.

Tomorrow, my brother will leave for his third deployment during his career in the United States Navy.  I do not want to let him go...I didn't the first time and my feelings have not changed.  I have immense amounts of respect for  all the men and women who protect my country and fight for my freedom, but it always makes it difficult to grasp when it becomes personal, when it's someone you deeply love and care for. 

I continue to wonder why he chose this path for his life...Why would he put his life in danger?  Doesn’t he want a family someday?  Is he going to do this forever?...and the questions go on and on.  I'll be the first to admit that I could never do what he does; he is so brave.  But sometimes I wish he wasn't so brave.  Many a times, especially recently, I've attempted to convince him to not re-enlist once his current service is complete.  I just want to know that he is safe.  I just want him to come home.

I was talking to my friend Ryan about all of this last weekend: He proceeded to inform me that I can not and will not be able to change my brother's mind; if he intends on continuing his service for this country in the Navy, he will.  And let me tell you...that is NOT what I wanted to hear. 

But it was what I needed to hear--

The Lord so graciously opened my eyes that night.  If Nathan is called to serve, then that's where he needs to be.  I certainly do not want to be the person that convinced him to step out of the covering of the will of God.  Just as the Lord calls people to be doctors, teachers, moms, musicians...the Lord has called my brother to serve his country, and more importantly, his Heavenly Father.  It is not my responsibility (thankfully) to tell my brother what he should do with his future.  What I can do is pray that he will continue to faithfully follow the plans that have been set before him, whether that's serving in the Navy or something else.

And so, I pray--

In the hands of God he will be protected, he will thrive and excel in all the areas of his service, and he will come home...spirit, soul, and body.

I think about you constantly and pray for you every day. 

I love you.  I miss you.

Be brave.  Stay strong.  Remember your calling. 

~ Psalm 91 ~

tbd

I haven't been sleeping lately.  My body is tired, but my mind keeps thinking and my eyes stay open...like the pattern on the mattress above me is going to change miraculously. 

I keep assuming it's the fact that I haven't had enough "time to adjust" to home.  Well I've been home for two weeks now.  Maybe that's truly not enough time to re-clock my noggin, but I have a feeling it's something else. 

I wish I knew why--

Usually in this case something has been bothering me or tugging on my heart strings, but I can't put my finger on it.  One of those things where if I had the answer, I'd be sure to let you know.  And if you hear anything in the mean time, please, feel free to fill me in.

All I can do is ask for patience, understanding, and peace.  I guess it's safe to say that I'm being dealt with.  How or in what areas of my life exactly is still to be determined.  

Something's about to shake me, break me--

I need a wake up call.  

5/6

My lanta--  I don't even know where to begin.

I am officially a Junior in college.  Holy cats time flies.  Sophomore year was a journey to say the least, but here I am on the other side, better than I was yesterday.

I had the awesome opportunity of living with two of the most fantastic ladies in the entire world, Rebecca and Bekah.  They are my side kicks, my tough love, and my best friends.  But if I'm going to be completely honest, I can't say that these last 9 months have all been butterflies and rainbows.  In fact, there was a lot of conflict and struggle-- busy schedules, transferring shenanigans, different personalities.  Boom.
But we were brought together by none other than our Father, so we were in it for the long haul...we are in it for the long haul.   R.F.R.

And only about two months ago, we had met our match...

At the beginning of the year, the three of us decided to join a Bible study to be more involved in our church and grow in our faith.  We met many fantastic humans (my favorite) and started to build relationships with them.  Right at the end of the year, we had some additions to the B-Studs group...some rando ginger from Northwestern and his best friend.  Little did we know that this would be the start to the two best months of our Sophomore year.

So here's to you Josh, Ryan, and David:
It's not everyday you have the opportunity to meet a solid dude who is polite, genuinely cares,  brings out the best in you, AND loves the Lord with all their heart-- and I met three.  The Lord is so good.  And as you've been a major blessing in my life, you've really done wonders for my relationship with Rebecca and Bekah.  I've always been a bit of a wild child (them not so much), but you kids could care less about what people think about you; you're here to live life to the fullest.  Because of your actions and attitudes, my roommates and I have been able to model that...and boy have we ever.  There are things we do together now that we would've NEVER done before; you've changed us for the better.  I truly believe God put you three in our lives right when we needed you most.  We are a family now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Thank you-- which isn't nearly good enough for how grateful I truly am.

And then there was Saturday...

Saturday may have been one of the most challenging and sad days of my life.  I had to say goodbye to our family and our roommate trio.  Our lives are changing; we're following our different paths the Lord has been taking us on: Bekah is transferring to NYC, Ry-Guy will be going full-blown Marines on us...which happens to put some serious mileage between the family.  There will be visiting, phone dates, and skype extravaganzas, but it will never be like a good ol' mattress party in the club house, having special drank and corn dogs, yelling out the window, and watching Disney movies.  
Talk about heartbreak.

The only comfort I have is knowing that the Lord brought us together for a reason, so He'll keep us together...regardless of the changes in our lives or states that separate us.  Let's be real, true love never dies.  And we have Jesus.  Doesn't get much more promising than that.

I am 1/6 of a perfect family, designed and joined together by God Himself.  You all are my better halves...well, sixths if you will.  I love you all.

I am so blessed. 

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father."

- James 1:17

Unspeakable Joy.

This weekend may or may not have been one of the most rewarding and fantastic weekends of my sophomore year.  So many good things happened. 

I am so blessed :)

To kick of the weekend, Mama Chin was here in the Cities.  It's always nice to see a fellow madre, but it was even more awesome to see my roommate Bekah so happy to be with her.  We went on many adventures with Mama Chin...the wienery, the lemonade stand, homemade dinner by the boys...but I think my favorite was Al's Breakfast with her and the roommies; so good, so worth the wait.  Thanks for the laughs and good times, Mama Chin.  You are a fantastic person and an even more fantastic mother. 

On Saturday night, I had the opportunity to perform with my Jazz class.  We took some of our pieces that we had been working on all semester to the local Southern Theatre.  Since I am not a Dance Major, performance opportunities do not come along often...if at all.  I haven't performed in almost two years, so if you know me at all, you know my excitement.  The performance was at midnight, which is slightly a weird time to dance if I do say so myself.  To be honest, I was worried that the late time would effect my roommates to come see me; I've always wanted them to see me actually dance and not just in the kitchen or grocery store as usual.  But I should have known better...they came, along with Ryan and Josh.  I was so happy.  Come performance time, I was shaking, either with adrenaline or from my inhaler...the jury is still out on that one.  I could see my friends sitting in the audience and just wanted to show them how much I loved to dance.  But then the Lord so graciously reminded me that it was He who put the passion inside of me...so I stepped back and just thanked Him for the opportunity for me to use my talents for His glory;

This time was for Him--

It felt so good to be on stage.  I couldn't even stop smiling because I was so happy, so thankful for what was inside of me.  I could have been the only one on stage and not a soul in the audience, but I had my audience of One...that was all I needed.  It couldn't have gone better.  I was so satisfied just to know that I was pleasing in God's eyes.   I'm so glad I could share it with the people I love and who love me. 

After church on Sunday, I went to lunch with the roommies, Mama Chin, and the rest of the family.  We had a good time, as usual.  We even took family photos...yes, we're official.  And just looking at these pictures days later, I realize how blessed I am to have these humans in my life.  Over the past 4-5 weeks we have spent so much time together doing the most fun and ridiculous things; I love every minute of it.  They have my best interests in mind and truly care about me.  It's not everyday you stumble upon beauties like these…and they're in my family.  We have a common bond, the One that matters most.  Thank you all for being a part of my life.  You never cease to make me smile, you bring out the best in me.

Sunday night was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend.  The roommies and I were attempting to do homework and be productive (haha).  We managed to get into a mini Facebook throw down but then realized if we were all in the same house, why not just talk in person...which somehow led to us making a music video to the Zac Brown Band "Chicken Fried" with our own original lyrics, of course.  I've never laughed so hard.  We had a band photo shoot, used homemade instruments (aka kitchen utensils), and published it for all the world to see.  This was also my first all-nighter of the semester...it was worth every moment of it.  As our lyrics say, "There's no dollar sign on our bonding time..."  I love my roommates so much and will miss our trio more than a lot of things.  These ladies have been an influence in my life in all the right ways.  

I love you, Rebecca.  I love you, Bekah.  I always will.  

And now I will stop before the waterworks get the best of me.  

R.F.R. <3

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150191013037505&subj=506185752

(This is the link to our music video.  I highly suggest it for a good laugh.)

A lot of words.  But I have been so full of joy, peace, thankfulness...and even all these words are not enough. 

 The Lord is good, yes He is.

"Every good and every perfect gift comes from above."

- James 1:17