Numb.

"Today is a good day to have a good day." 

It is often the simplest of things that get me thinking.  And after Rebecca said this to me one morning as she was leaving for class, a part of me would not let her words go, like she knew that was exactly what I needed to hear.

The fact that this simple statement resonated so deeply within me was actually rather surprising, for I consider myself a fairly optimistic person with a cheery disposition; there is always good to be found in every day.  But it was also the least bit surprising all in the same, for believing these words has been the most difficult concept to grasp, to say the least. 

I have not had a good day in a long time.  It hurts to think about, let alone saying it out loud.  But I would be lying to myself if I admitted anything different.  If you know me at all, you know that I am an expressive individual; I base the majority of my decisions on how I feel, from the inside out.  I am often inspired by people and places and words and things that I see, and as a result, I am moved by my desire to show compassion towards them.  So to say that I have felt little to nothing for the past month, that nothing has brought life to my soul or compelled me to go, is really saying something. 

It is foreign, it is exhausting, and it is empty.

My motivation for everything has been completely lost -- to be a good best friend or a friend at all, to be an active student and learner, to be a thinker, to pursue a relationship with my Savior, to communicate, to have patience, to be a forgiver, to be thankful.  I rarely sleep.  I have little or no appetite.  I am extremely homesick.  I just exist, in the most basic sense of the word.

Before I move on, I should probably note that there have been in fact moments, little glimmers of light if you will, that have presented themselves over this past while.  I would not want to discredit the people and the interactions that I have encountered that have kept me going, that are literally the only things holding my head above the water right now.  I am grateful -- which is one of very few things that I have actually felt.

The scariest part about all of this is that I am completely aware of what is happening, and even believe that deep down somewhere, I have the desire to break free of this depressing bondage.  But if I am learning anything from this uncomfortable journey, it is that I am capable of becoming numb to even the desire to be happy.   A change of heart requires action and even work -- but it is easier to suffer and hope that everything will eventually go away than it would be to actually do something about all of this. 

It makes me really sad.

Now, the purpose of me sharing all of this is not to gain your sympathy or for someone to tell me that what I am going through is unhealthy and that I should probably get help -- believe me, I know this better than anyone else.  But last night for the first time in about a month, I prayed.  It was short and it was simple, but it was something.  I can tell you right now that I did not want to, and it was hard.  But after being encouraged by one of my best friends, I knew it was time.

Then today happened, as most todays do after yesterdays.  And for the first time in quite a while, I felt happy.  And not just for a moment, for the whole day.  I would like to credit my feelings to the fact that I had a decent night of sleep, that I met up with a friend that I have not seen in a while and chatted about so many lovely things for four straight hours, that the weather is unusually beautiful and warm, that I get to hang out with my roommate and best friend when I return home from writing these very words…

But all those things, in some fashion or another, have been here the whole time.  Today was different because I actually felt their presence, because my heart was softened.  And even if it was only the tiniest bit of relief, it was just what I needed to have any sort of hope.  I do not expect everything to go back to normal tomorrow, for nothing has been made right.  But I want to make it right, which is progress in itself.  I do not know what it will look like, what it will feel like, or what I will gain (or lose) in all of this -- but it is time.  It was time a long time ago.

To the best of my ability, in the only Strength and Hope that I have left, I will continue to search for the light -- by His grace and His unconditional love, for it is all that I have to cling to. 

Because today is a good day to have a good day.  And tomorrow will be too. 

"This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." 

-- Psalm 118:24