"It breaks my heart to see that my faith is weak, that His sacrifice is not enough for me to be content and satisfied in who He has created me to be and in all that He has promised. If I truly was, I would not seek for approval and fulfillment in mankind…"
The learning from the fast continues -- a revealing Part 2.
And I cannot believe I am about to do this.
Boys. Here we go.
As a forever-single-lady, I would be lying if I said I did not wonder when or if I will ever have my shot at love. Cheesy, but true. What a girl. But marriage has always been a desire of my heart, and I truly believe it is something that will be a part of my future. The only problem is that as a twenty-year-old-forever-single-lady, I have a tendency to become impatient and take matters into my own hands...which has clearly never worked out for me.
The concept of "being on the prowl" (which is SO embarrassingly true) has become all too familiar with me. I say that the desire of my heart is to be loved by only one, yet I become so depressed when there has yet to be a suitor. Well of course I am going to have to be on a pursuit, because they (every other boy) are ultimately not suppose to end up as my suitor in the first place...meaning, I would have to do something in order to change that.
Why is there such a desire to be desired? I like to convince myself that it is a simple fact of human nature and everybody struggles with it (which may actually be true), but deep down I know there has to be more to it than that.
Knowing that someone is interested in me, whether the "feelings are mutual" or not, confirms the fact that someone may actually be able to love me some day...I feel needed, I feel worth while. Again, what a girl. But if I am not suppose to be with someone, why on earth would I want them to be interested in me in the first place? So must desperation for all the wrong reasons...
Leading only to inevitable pain and more loneliness than when I began.
If this is the case, then why do I keep crawling back to my methods of shameless (and actually really embarrassing) attempts to prove my worth through anyone who will give me a glimmer of hope? Clearly I have no faith in the fact that the Lord may actually have a plan for me that is far better than anything I could imagine. Gasp. For all I know, I do not even know him yet. For all I know, I already do… Regardless, the Lord knows what He is doing -- which should be far more comforting than anything I muster up on my own.
Whoever he is, he has the right to my whole heart. But I cannot keep that promise and continue to actively search for approval in others, despite how "harmless" my intentions may seem. Whoever he is, he should be driving me towards Christ and my relationship with Him. If I am constantly experiencing anxiety, fear, jealousy, and worry, I know my feelings are not of God. I know my eyes are looking everywhere but on things above.
I should not -- will not -- have to prove anything to anyone, for I will be loved for exactly who the Lord has created and fashioned me to be.
Now, this is not to be confused with me announcing my separation from the male population and living in my own little corner in my own little room until Prince Charming finds me...this is not Disney, people. I am a firm believer that the Lord puts humans into our lives intentionally -- to live, to learn, and to grow with them.
How do I expect myself to know when the right person is finally standing in front of me if I have never seen qualities or characteristics of him in anyone else? The Lord has been so gracious to bless me with real, God-fearing gentlemen in my life who respect me as a daughter of Christ and encourage me to live at His standards. And without them, I would be at a loss. I am so thankful.
By simply striving to be the woman of God that I have been called to be, the rest will fall into place in due time...in God's time. If I cannot find satisfaction and contentment in God Almighty, first and foremost, then I will never be able to find it in anyone else. And until then, I will have to continue to wait. I need to lay this at His feet, I need to walk away from my right to self…
I need to let Him write my love story.
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"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealously, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant or inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love for us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy, fretful, or resentful; it takes no account to the evil done unto it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice or unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best in every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].
I Corinthians 13:4-8, 13
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